4 Years of My Life Without Religion

Around one week ago, I went to this gathering held by friends. When it was time to go home, despite knowing that I'm no longer associated with any religion, this friend of mine forced me to take a Holy Quran home and said, "You can't say no and don't give it to other people." Several friends of mine also made some 'memorable' remarks such as, "Take it, who knows that you'll be back to the righteous way." I tried to stay away for any trouble so I just took it home with an extra addition of irk and annoyance.

That event, made me want to write this post (despite my usual tendency of keeping this topic to myself to avoid problems and argumentations). I feel like some people, despite looking very "accepting" of me and my agnosticism, take me as a joke in that department. Perhaps they think I am just some type of rogue who will eventually come back one day, they probably perceiving that I'm currently in a middle of a phase.

One thing that I believe is, it's impossible for people who live here in Indonesia and claim themselves as an agnostic to be cowardice or simple-minded. First reason being because religion is basically a "must-have" it's being asked everywhere you go: school, hospital, neighborhood association and your given/chosen religion is written on your ID. The fanaticism of religion is a bit on a high level here, so the majority of people won't accept the fact that there are people with no religion in the country, and to be able to say that "I don't follow any religion teaching" requires courage. The second reason is because people turn into agnosticism (or atheism) not because they're too lazy to conduct the religious teachings, but because it doesn't sync in with whatever they believe/experienced/learned. People like us probably ruminate more about verses in scriptures and questioning certain practices. We perhaps ask "Why?" way too often until we decided to stop altogether and put our mind to work on something else.

It took me years of contemplation before I took that leap of faith (pun intended :p). Before that I was fairly pious, I might didn't look like it but I prayed, fasted, read scripture religiously. I never questioned anything before because I grew up with it, people around me also always encouraged me to be a "well-abiding-moslem." So... when exactly was that belief of me started to crumble apart? To be completely honest I always had that little doubt since I was young when I realized that it's a fairly patriarchal religion. But I put it aside and stopped myself to think too much about it. As I am getting older, my hobby of reading was also contributing in the process. It shaped my way of thinking and I've becoming more and more curious each day. My favorite genre, which is hard sci-fi was't helping at all as well. I started to see the 'flaws' and started questioning my doubt that I had when I was younger. 

But actually... despite all of those, I stayed. I was simply a coward and thought that I just need to following the stream. I told myself that "I don't need to be that religious anymore, just follow the majority of the important events, that should be fine."

Until I figured that I also dislike the majority of the community as well. The people. Yes, the majority of them. I think that many religious practices is pretty much hollow, people just do it without thinking just because everyone else is doing it. I couldn't feel the essence anymore and it disgusted me. Four years ago, this one event that probably appeared harmless to everyone, was the breakthrough. It was a scripture recitation event before the wedding of a (former) family member. They invited "people in need" to attend the event: reciting the verses and listening to the talk given by the Ustadz (religious leader). They attendees were given some pocket money and food afterward. During that whole occasion, the family members were either busy taking pictures in their new dresses (they were given fabrics to be sewn as dresses for the event), eating, gossiping to each other, etc. No one was actually reciting the verses nor listening to the sermon. For the whole 3 hours of that affair, I kept on thinking to myself, "What's the point?" I felt sick to my stomach realizing that it wasn't just that one event that is pointless, many more were too but I was just too blind before.

So I stopped believing and practicing altogether.

Don't get me wrong though, when I said I disliking the people of the community, it doesn't mean that I hate each one of them as a person. My friends here are majority identified as moslems and I have no problem with that at all as long as we put religion matter on the side. I almost always let my friends who I hang out often about my belief, so just we know and continue respecting each other's choices. But well, thing like the story I mentioned earlier in the post happens once in a while, and I am trying my best to let it slide because... I know for most people it's an alien subject.

Then why did I write this post then??? Well, your girl here is just venting her heart out a bit. Let her live a little :p

Cheers,

L

Ps: I gave the Holy Quran to someone else so that it can be used.